You have just been told to collect urine from your elderly foster dog. Do not panic. You can do it! With these few helpful hints, you will be gathering pee like a pro.
First, ask your children to do it. Remind them of the 3,000 school lunches you have made (you have done the math). The child who volunteers will be the same one who once scooped up a dead possum with a shovel and dropped it into a garbage bag. This child is unfazed by disgusting tasks.
Wake up before the dog and get your own pee over with. Greet your child. Do not take it personally when she growls at you because it is still dark outside. Tell her to put on shoes and latex gloves. Carry the dog outside and place it on a patch of dirt or grass.
While you wait for the stream to commence, sing a verse of a popular 80’s pop song. Laugh when your daughter refers to George Michael as, “the Harry Styles of Wham!”
Waiting for someone to pee is an exercise in patience. You have done this before, with very young and very old humans. As the dog begins to urinate, you will want to exclaim, “Hallelujah! For the love of God!” Rather, in a calm voice, so as not to disturb the peeing chihuahua, say to your daughter, “Now.” She will crouch down and slide a purple plastic plate from IKEA under the dog.
Now there is a plate of pee on the ground. Instruct your child to carefully carry it into the house and place it on the counter which you have covered in newspaper.
Here begins the challenge. Transferring the plate pee into a small container requires patience and a syringe. Slurp is the wrong word here, but you know what I mean when I say slurp up the pee with a syringe and spit it into the small container. This will take approximately two minutes. During this time, it is important you fill your mind with pleasant images like a bright red door on a cabin in the woods, or a school of silver fish swimming through seaweed.
Seal the container of pee and dispose of everything else: the purple plate, the gloves, the newspaper, the daughter. Just kidding. Hug that daughter tight because you love her. You will remember this moment five hours later when you are with her at urgent care. She will fall down at school and gash her hip. It won’t require stitches, only bandages and three episodes of Brooklyn 99.
Collecting pee from an old dog is easy.
Loved loved loved this Rebecca!
Rebecca Handler says