I think there’s been some confusion. Allow me to introduce myself. I am a human being. I am not the tail of a horse, nor am I a recently deceased possum. My mouth is not a cave in South Dakota with family spelunking hours. While I appreciate your interest in the vocation of ear, nose and throat medicine, and wish you well in your studies, my orifices are not currently offering internship programs.
Yes, I am aware that it is spring in Australia. I have sat on park benches mesmerized by baby ducks, and just yesterday I successfully dodged the magpie heading straight for my ear. Nature is exploding here in Perth, with bright purple blossoms and parrots squawking at dawn. I’m even getting used to the white flowers in Kings Park that smell “like a gym bag,” according to one local resident.
I understand that in your lifespan, everything needs to happen yesterday, and by yesterday I mean the time of your great-grandparents. But your frenetic pace is becoming tiresome. You are reminding me of this girl I knew in college named Rachel who wanted to hang out all the time, and eventually I had to tell her that our friendship was becoming more of a burden than a pleasure and then she told me you’re a total bitch and I told her I have many faults but I’m definitely not a bitch and then she said I hate you and I said if you hate me so much then why do you always want to hang out? My point is, it’s too much.
A shout-out to the ladies. I understand you female bush flies need protein in order to develop your ovaries, and I am honored that you think so highly of my saliva. I also know that you are programmed to hang around animals and wait for them to digest their food so you can lay your eggs in their poo. But you see, that is disgusting.
You are lucky to live in Australia, one of the few countries in the world with more cattle than people. Cows are much more easygoing than humans, and my guess is that they wouldn’t mind at all if you flew in and out of their ears all day long. Plus, they bathe much less frequently and poo a lot. You would love them.
