If you are reading this in San Francisco, I am writing you from the future where it is 15 hours and two seasons later. It is fall in Perth and getting darker by the minute. The trees are dressed up as Vermont, and the sidewalks are covered with inedible berries which, when stomped on, make it look like all the world’s Fig Newtons pooped simultaneously.
It has been pouring buckets the past few days. Perth is effortlessly lush and green, sashaying around in her emerald silk nightie. Oh this old thing? I just threw it on.
It is 5:30 pm as I type this, and it’s pitch black outside. All I hear is a chorus of very loud crickets. From the look and sound of it, I should be staggering around trying to find the bathroom at a campsite. But instead, here I am, in a little brick house in Perth, participating in normal daytime activities.
To celebrate the change in seasons, yesterday I got in a serious funk. I am not using that as code for depression. I am using that as code for what-happened-to-my-life-please-just-give-me-a-minute. The funk was brought on by the fact that Bunnings doesn’t carry a certain kind of adhesive hook. The funk was exacerbated by the viewing of The Lego Movie, which was so unbearable it made me feel like we need to speed up global warming so the next species can take over because they will never create something as hideous as The Lego Movie.
I used to think Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) was something that some dude made up so he wouldn’t have to do the dishes. “Brad, honey, can you clean up?” “Sorry babe, my Seasonal Affective Disorder is acting up again so I need to watch football.” But it’s amazing what moving to Australia will do to a Northern Hemispherian. My body feels seriously out of whack. I want to eat nothing but cream-based soups, and my bones feel mushy. I am waking up with sheet creases on my face, and I have made three chicken casseroles in the past week.
So yesterday I cried in my room for awhile, and then announced to Dave that if we ever move abroad again, it will be for MY job and HE will need to go to Ikea and sweep the floor for the eleventh time today so help me god can everyone just lean over their placemat. And then he said sounds like a plan and we watched Veronica Mars and ate some cherries and I started to feel better.
