The loneliness of moving is creeping in. It is neither surprising nor unbearable, but it is distracting nonetheless, like a hole in your sock exposing your little toe that you try to ignore but then you’re talking to someone and you’re like, “I’m sorry I can’t hear you over the sound of the HOLE IN MY SOCK.”
Somewhat predictably, the loneliness is intensified by the business of making new friends. With the relief and gratitude of a budding friendship comes a certain amount of melancholy. A new friend in a new country can be a reminder of old friends and inevitable endings. I remember this feeling from when we moved to Singapore in 2005, and I met Elinor. I knew immediately she was the friend I was searching for, and the friend I would leave behind.
When does someone become a certified, thumb-stamped friend? Bachelorette #1 is a relocated Brit; she is quick and self-assured, but lives 20 minutes away, which, in Perth, is considered a schlep (Perthians have a funny sense of distance. A 10-minute drive is too far, but a nine-hour flight to Japan to ski over a long weekend is no worries mate). Another potential friend has refreshingly strong opinions – an Australian, go figure – and took me for my first real Indian Ocean swim last week where, treading water 70 meters from shore, she remarked nonchalantly, “Something just stung me. Bastard.”
When I was pregnant with Willa and trying to decide whether or not we should have a friend present for the birth, our midwife asked me, “can you be naked and crying in front of her?” In the human-being-coming-out-of-my-vagina scenario, this advice was helpful. However, if I actually abided by these criteria of nudity and hysteria, I’d have two friends. And one of them would be like, “We have to talk about the whole naked and crying thing.”
A college friend of mine kept a stuffed toy rabbit in her dorm room specifically as a test for potential friends. When given this rabbit to hold, do they take a moment and look it in the eye, or do they toss it aside with complete disregard? She swore it was a predictor of character traits like empathy, playfulness, and curiosity.
With little understanding and/or concern for the bigger picture, the kids are the friendship experts. Bored at the beach? Invite someone to dig a hole with you. The boy next door owns a remote control car? Smile and introduce yourself. Friendships come easy and are not overthought.
I’ve got some free time at the moment. I am consciously trying to appear busy enough to be seen as interesting, but not so busy as to appear unavailable. In fact, just this morning I told someone I prefer lunch next Wednesday to next Tuesday when of course both days are wide open. But, you see, this is all part of my sophisticated friendship strategy. And obviously I’ll make friends because I’m a totally relaxed person who never overthinks anything.
