Remember that episode of Fear Factor where a family of four had to go for a drive in a car that was filled with mosquitos? Do you recall the part where the children were screaming and the mother was saying that’s what you get for leaving the car door open all night? And remember the end where they were back at home and one of the children got stung by a wasp, and then there were giant cockroaches crawling all over the back patio?
Humans are mere nuisances who are simply getting in the way of Operation Bug Takeover. These guys have a plan, and they are working together to destroy the human race. Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy. I just overheard this convo out back:
Mosquito: “Alright, I’d like a status update from each of you. Wilson, why don’t you start.”
Wasp: “Today I stung Human on its back. It screamed like a little girl.”
Mosquito: “Nicely done. Lorraine?”
Beetle: “I made it inside the house with Adam and we hung around by the toilet.”
Mosquito: “Where is Adam?”
Beetle: “He was crushed by Human. But not without a fight.”
Mosquito: “Jerry, stop pacing back and forth and give us your update.”
Cockroach: “Nothing special to report. Just another day of being as creepy as possible.”
Mosquito: “Evelyn?”
Fly: “I am working towards my personal goal of flying in and out of all mouths.”
Ants, in unison: “We can make the letter G on the pavement!”
Mosquito: “That’s irrelevant. Focus, guys, focus.”
My friends, Australia is no place for pussies. I repeat (to myself, in particular): Australia is no place for pussies. I’m not normally that squeamish when it comes to bugs. But this is a large and in charge situation. I am currently checking the bed before crawling under the covers at night. Mind you, I’ve never seen a bug in the bedroom, but I am assuming that’s because they are all inside the mattress (the call is coming from INSIDE THE MATTRESS). I know that once I fall asleep, the cockroaches are slipping into their purple velour jumpsuits, unscrewing their tiny silver flasks, and groovin’ all over my legs. The mosquitos are swinging from the ceiling fans and the ants are spelling out, “Go home Yanks.”
